do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
