Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just found puke in my bra..
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
