And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just want nice things and good sex
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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