Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Oh god it's open bar.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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