Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
