the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
