I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
