I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
