Betty ford says i'm here all night
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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