is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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