Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
