I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Who did Billy Mays play for?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
