I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
