mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize