Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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