I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
