her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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