I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I think my vagina is haunted
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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