yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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