Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i think i have two assholes
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
