1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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