I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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