just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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