i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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