I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
