Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
This is the high leading the old right now
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
