Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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