Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize