i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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