Your mouth is God's brothel.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
