as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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