We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
