I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
