Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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