so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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