Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
