I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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