This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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