My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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