She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
