By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
