WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
