I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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