i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
