Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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