I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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