you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
My ass is underappreciated
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
