You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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