I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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