my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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