My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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