Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
