You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
