I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
