Kiss
Puke
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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