i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
