I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
