how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
what the fuck happened to the tacos
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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