I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
