Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
