So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
