my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i love accidental penises.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
