Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
