Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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