Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
