So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
