Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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