I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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