On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
